Drowning

I grew up as a beach baby. Delighted by the ocean and homesick when I wasn’t near one, the water soothes me. The ocean is my favorite aspect of nature: vast, mysterious, in discovery, playful, powerful, intimidating, gentle. There are all these different layers to it. It houses such a variety of life. And all that live within it are vastly different from what we find on land, what a whimsical menagerie of creatures housed inside from seahorses to sharks to the great creatures of the deepest darkest depths. Coral reefs and kelp forests and frigid northern waters, it’s all enrapturing. I absolutely love the ocean. We’re on the coast here in Jaco, Costa Rica, all 31 of us plus 11 Gap Year racers snuggled up in one house together. 

Yesterday, our leadership team was doing some playtime together and as I approached the crashing waves, I thought to myself, “Dang, I’m wiped. I just wanna sit down and chat. But I don’t wanna be a wet blanket. It’s okay. I’ve got this.” And in I went without a second thought. Because I grew up around the ocean, I’m pretty comfortable with it. I can eyeball the waves and know whether to duck under or jump over. I can feel the current pretty well. I’ve never been stung or bit by any creatures. I know how to pace myself and where my limits are. I was a decently strong swimmer growing up and feel like I have a high trust relationship with the water. 

We were bobbing along, playing and laughing and having fun. The current was pretty strong, but I didn’t feel like fighting it and didn’t really have the energy to, besides, none of us were worried. I looked at a pair of people quite a bit further out than I was inquisitively, and a little judgmentally. “What are those wackos thinking? They’re so far out.” Up and over wave after wave we went, until we were past the point where they were breaking. And then eventually, in the lows between waves, my toes were brushing the sand less and less. And a few waves went by in a row where I couldn’t touch the bottom. And then even when I tried to drop and find the sand I couldn’t. Ah, and there were those people that had been so much further out than I was far closer to the shore than the five of us now.

Our group realized that the current was strong and started heading back towards the shore, my friend Katie telling us that her shoulder was getting twitchy and feeling like we needed to head in. I calmly turned and started swimming, purposefully trying to stay at the back to make sure that everybody was making it without wearing themselves down. But then, I felt how exhausted my body was, thinking back to when I’d been facing the ocean just a little bit ago and recognizing how tired I was before I even got in the water. I also knew I was a little dehydrated since my water bottle broke and knew that I’d found myself in a somewhat questionable situation. I heard lifeguards whistling from the shore, and somebody said that they were motioning for people to come in, and I vaguely knew that they were talking about us. I carried on kicking and paddling dutifully, thanking God that I had no fear or panic. Jenn stayed in the back with me, praying over me, and I watched the gap widen between the two of us and everybody else we were with. 

I let myself float for a bit, catching my breath and letting my body rest. We made it back to where the waves were breaking and I watched as a big one prepped and curled over before me, where I still couldn’t touch the bottom and ducked beneath it. I held my breath for as long as I possibly could, lungs burning, and it passed over me with not a millisecond to spare before I broke to the surface and took another breath. There was already another crashing behind it, so I squared myself, slowed my breathing as much as I could, and ducked again. As I was under the water, I realized how desperate my lungs were for air and had a brief tango with the temptation of my body to open my mouth right then and there to try and catch my breath. I popped back up to the surface right in the nick of time again, glancing around for Jenn, who was a few feet away, still looking good. I turned back to the shore and wondered how long it would be until my feet could touch again, faithfully paddling until then. 

I saw lots of my friends gathered on the sand  and was relieved to see each of the people I’d started out with standing safe. A surfer paddled next to me and asked if I was okay, which I said yes to. I was tired, but fine. And confident that I could make it from where I was. He told me to hold onto him and we began paddling and then a lifeguard made it to me. He grabbed my arm and started tugging me in as I paddled. And almost immediately, I was touching the sand again! 

I can’t remember a time where I’ve been pulled in by a lifeguard ever, so you can imagine my embarrassed resignation at the whole situation. I thanked him, and the surfer, and Jenn, and drank some water offered to me. I was surprised and moved by how much peace I had the entire time. It was beyond ‘I know I shouldn’t panic.’ And all the way at ‘I have no need to panic, I’m safe in my father’s hands.’ 

It spurred on several thoughts and here is what they are: 

-I often giggle at people who have grown up in the church and feel jaded by it. We could spend several lifetimes learning about the character of God and there would still be so much that we wouldn’t know or understand. I also understood that temptation, as I could’ve stood to approach the ocean with more reverence that day, knowing that I wasn’t in any place to be doing what I was doing. I was acting a little jaded, and sometimes we approach God that way too. It’s better to come to God our Father boldly, it’s better to come to God our Father meekly, it’s better to come to God knowing who He is, how mighty and powerful, and vast He is. It’s better to pay attention to what He’s actually doing and to calculate the cost and decide whether we want into that or not. Now I know what that’s like a little bit better!! It takes some discipline and clear headedness to continually approach God with His different aspects in mind without ‘getting used to Him’.

-Just like the current pulled me out to where I was way above my head, sin will do the same. It’s a natural tug, a push and pull if you will. If you’re not paying attention to the little bits of ground it’s taking in your life, before you know it, you’ll be way past the point where you can stand firm in the faith anymore. You’ll find yourself swallowed by sin: brokenness and what God doesn’t have for you. That’s why God says to stay on guard, because if we give in, if we roll over, if we allow satan to be our master, he will gladly and with delight gobble us up.

– In the same vein, if some of the temptations you face are really powerful, and it still feels like suffering or pain to turn away from those, may it comfort you to know that there are other believers who face the same temptation and choose to follow Jesus anyways. You’re not alone out there. There are many others who face the same, and Christians are dying for their faith every day out in the world. Take courage and hold fast. He is Worthy of your obedience. 

-And finally, I’m a new creation in Christ. I think if that same thing had happened about three years ago, I would’ve come up on the sand coughing and crying and scared out of my mind. But I have peace that surpasses understanding. HE’S SO GOOD!!!!! I can’t even deal with it, HE IS SO GOOD!! 

THE ONLY PLACE THAT I’M FINNA DROWN IS THE FATHER’S LOVE, AMIRITE KIDS???????????

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is going through the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 5:6-9 

DO NOT FEAR. He is with you always!!

***I’M FULLY FUNDED AGAIN!!! Thank you so much for your generosity and giving. I’ll always be grateful. You are allowing me to do what the Lord has called me to!!***

Father, I pray that you would financially bless every person that’s blessed me beyond what their storehouses can hold. I pray that you would spiritually bless every person that’s blessed me, that they would be credited with every spiritual victory that I have. Thank you Lord, for their willingness to step out on a limb and donate their finances, their treasure to what you and I are doing out here. You’re so unbelievably faithful and good Lord. Thank you for showing up for me. I pray that you would show up for them too!!