I Disobeyed God

When the Lord gave me the word Peace for Taiwan, it wasn’t particularly comforting. In getting a deeper understanding of His grace the month before, He’d once again stripped me a little more, revealed a little more insecurity, a couple of hiding places, some tendencies lurking in my subconscious to earn my worth and whispered to my soul: I love you more than you will ever know or understand, and it’s not because you’re earning it. And He showered me with love. And it was U N C O M F O R T A B L E. I felt like I’d shown up to somebody else’s birthday party and gotten led to the place of honor at the table, asked to blow out the candles, and was buried underneath a spectacular mountain of gifts. “LORD!” I thought, “Lord i came here to serve YOU, I came here for YOU God, WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL OF THIS?? WHY ARE YOU GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY? This is YOUR party Lord, I’m just one of your guests!” And He so directly reminded me that I’m His beloved child. That He sees me, He knows me, He loves me, and He LOVES to give me gifts, He loves to see me happy. That is hard for me and my pride, I want to be the gift giver, I want to be the one serving Him, I want to have something to offer the Lord. But everything I have to offer is His used anyways, and I get to a part of an eternal exchange where He and I just pass the honor and glory back and forth. We just look at each other and I put the crown on His head and He puts the crown on my head and we express adoration. It’s very sweet, and becoming more natural for me to receive and not reject or run away from or try and earn. 

Then, peace. I figured since giving me grace involved taking away what I think makes me worthy that receiving deeper peace would be a month of ruffled feathers and I felt it as soon as we got to Taiwan. I don’t usually get annoyed very easily, and I’m a people person and normally just EAT THAT UP. I LOOOOOVE being around people! But right away little things were getting under my skin, I was letting them make me feel undervalued, overlooked, or outcast. 

All throughout our debrief I kept feeling the Lord ask me to speak up. I quickly grew tense and frustrated with myself as I let opportunity after opportunity slip past me without saying anything. He would especially lay it on while we were worshipping to sing a certain song or read a passage or pray aloud. 

“LORD! Why me? Can’t you ask somebody else who is better at speaking? Can’t you ask someone else Lord? I’m afraid! I’m afraid and I don’t want to be rejected and I don’t want to say the wrong thing! Lord, ask one of the people who likes talking in front of everybody!” I’d pray like that every time He asked me to pipe up. I was terrified to speak in our group. I’ve never really seen myself as “the life of the party” or as somebody who’s good at holding attention. I’ve always felt that it’s best if somebody who’s prettier than I am, or louder than I am, or funnier than I am, or more articulate than I am, or stronger than I am holds the attention of the room. People will listen to them Lord, why would a group of my peers want to hear what I have to say? I kept asking Him, frustrated and afraid of the task He was setting before me over and over. And I was frustrated with myself. I want to be obedient! I want to follow God’s promptings even when they seem strange or scary or impossible. I want to be faithful! And yet there I was hearing His still, small voice and consistently excusing myself from following what it said. AND ON TOP OF THAT HOW GUILTY I FELT!! What if somebody on my squad needed to hear what I had to say?? What if somebody was praying for those words to be spoken over them? WHAT IF I WAS STANDING IN THE WAY OF GOD BLESSING HIS PEOPLE? He wanted to use me, to partner with me, and I kept running away from Him. He was answering my prayers and I decided that the boots He was handing me were too big for me to step into. 

My feathers, the MOST ruffled!!! 

Through prayer and speaking out what was going on in the chaos of my heart, I finally started plucking up some courage. Some of the people on my squad that I shared with came around me, and they were already sensitive to me so they would prompt me to speak out or sing out whenever they sensed I had something. I’d catch a cutting look across the room and take a big breath and blurt out whatever the Lord was putting on my heart. 

So there is one side, and on the OTHER side: I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER!!!!!!!!!!! I love making people happy!! I love serving the people!! I love keeping things from being too uncomfortable or hard or tense by sacrificing a little, this is no problem to me. BUT sometimes this makes me an enabler. Sometimes this contributes to my idea that I don’t matter. Sometimes this causes more trouble than good as I let people skate over me, the root of the issue, and the conflict they need to go somewhere new. And my people pleasing has built up a FEAR OF MAN. I don’t want anybody to be mad at me, or disappointed, or to feel unseen, I don’t want there to be any fighting, or any trouble, I want peace so badly that sometimes I take a false version instead of fighting for the real thing and lots of that comes out in my ??people pleasing?? Holler. 

BUT GOD has more for my life than that. I don’t have enough neck and shoulder to bear the yoke of people pleasing AND His own. Lord almighty, let me say it again. I do not. I don’t. Have enough. NECK. OR SHOULDER. TO BEAR TWO YOKES! I SURELY DO NOT! So He is working on that in me now, and the place where I saw Him get that started was in Taiwan. 

My way to peace is a band aid and the Lord keeps reminding me that I’m encountering more people than not that need SURGERY. They are in desperate need for healing that only He can provide and it’s a process and it’s uncomfortable and painful and trying and HOLY! And no amount of my people pleasing, skating over issues, pretending it’s okay when it is most certainly NOT okay is going to help lead anybody to healing. Not when He demands something deeper, more difficult, and more important than my desire for temporary relief. So He started pointing out to me all the ways that I’ve followed my fear of the people around me over what He prompts me to do. I’d be going about my business, hanging with friends, doing the thing, and I’d hear Him so clearly: FEAR OF MAN. Sometimes I’d stop on a dime, sometimes I’d wrestle for a couple of minutes then give in. It was all good, He’s always ready to have a chat and point out what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and set me on another direction. Hallelujah He is GOOD!! 

I was praying at one point during debrief and heard Him yet again. Exodus 3. I read the whole chapter, weeping recklessly in my room. I’d been asking the Lord that constantly. 

3:11“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” 

And God said, “I will be with you….”

 Instantaneous peace flooded me. Who am I Lord, that you would use me to pray and sing and speak truth over people? I am not perfect! I am so broken! I have been a people pleaser probably all of my life! 

HE WILL BE WITH ME ANYWAYS!!! He has called me into His Kingdom and His courts! He will give me what I need to do His work!! He will teach me! He will give me the words! He will guide me! 

This brought me into a new place of peace. I’d known that God uses broken people, but in Taiwan it came together for me much, much more what it looks like. I choose God’s peace over my insecurity. To choose to believe God’s promises and follow his prompting over my fear. And to see what it’s like to let Him peel away old titles like ”people pleaser” and “not pretty enough” and “invisible” over and over and over again for me, until every layer of those paints is off and the wholeness of His creation in me is on display. 

Praise the Lord the Prince of Peace. He is so so SO GOOD! HE’S BEEN BETTER THAN GOOD TO ME. 

SPEAKING OF:::: I, and some of my teammates are still fundraising! Please consider supporting us financially and in prayer! WE’RE SOOOO CLOSE!!! DIOS TE BENDIGA!!