I felt the first chest squeezing, heart trembling fear that I have in a while. We were in a meeting just before training camp and I felt myself deer in the headlight-ing with gusto.
All my insecurities came rushing in like a flood.
Why am I here?
Should I really be doing this?
Are they going to follow me?
Are they going to suck? Am I going to suck at leading them?
I can’t believe they’re coming in a couple of days.
How will I know what to do?
There was lead-up and anticipation that felt agonizing to me. Not butterflies in my tummy, maybe more like komodo dragons rushing to and fro.
But the second that I met the first participant who stepped onto our campsite, relief rushed in. I remembered that for as awkward and nervous and sweaty I felt, they probably felt that way too. I could add to the issue by cradling myself and wordlessly staying nice and safe, or I could extend a hand and do my best to let people know that they were important and welcome and not scary. An ease washed over me with every conversation and interaction. I was delighted in them.
Each squad mentor ended up introducing ourselves on stage later and the discomfort was real. When was the last time I hopped on a mike? I felt exposed and uncomfortable and bent on glorifying God with this moment. I prayed one of those quick, in your head prayers, Lord be with me. Use me God.
I had a vague idea of what I would say and then suddenly I ended with a room exploding into cheers of JESUS WE LOVE YOU!!!!
I laughed a belly laugh, shaking from the adrenaline just like always when I speak or teach.
Throughout the week I was blown away by M-Squad and to be honest, I was taken aback by myself within them. I didn’t know that I had some of those treasures stored up in here? Speaking and teaching in front of them became significantly less spooky than it had been even just over on I-Squad one month ago.
I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with them so quickly and effortlessly. I didn’t know that there would be gushing rivers of the ooey-gooeys over them, paired with something fierce and protective as well.
Some highlights of the week for me were our first meeting where I shared the picture of a child asking an adult if they could hold another child that was in the adult’s arms. The one and only Hannah Green looked between the two of them and scooped the asker up in her arms. The little asker then proceeded to wrap her arms around both of them, being held and cradled by the grown up. I knew that that was what was happening with M-Squad.
“God, can I hold M-Squad?” And He would just look at me kindly, knowing that we are the same size, and that there’s no way I could actually pick them up. So instead, He picked me up so that I could put my arm around this new group of people.
The leadership team and I prayed over the week before it began and we all got words and pictures for the camp. I saw those come up one by one so beautifully and sweetly.
Then, there was Niecey’s Birthday. I pulled my car up to the dining patio and turned my music all the way up. I brought a big bouncy ball and a beach ball and a bubble gun and called out to M-Squad lining the porch, asking them to come and play. My heartbeat picked up in the hang time, wondering if anyone would accept my invitation and then they were shuffling towards the gravel where I stood. Monkey in the middle with bubbles rising all around us on a clear day with Maverick City rocking in the background. What could be better than that?
At the end of the week I had the priveledge of baptizing one of my participants, this woman of God has courage and BOLDNESS! Her first EVER flight was to training camp and she has given her yes to a whole year of flights and travel overseas. That blows me away. That time of baptism culminated in the whole squad plus a couple of members from other squads coming around her and praying over her. She knelt, face to the ground, crying out the worthiness of God and I knelt beside her, singing His Great Love over her.
Thank you God.
Thank you Lord for M-Squad that is so fiery and kind and fiercesome and going to cause many issues and disruptions to the kingdom of darkness.
Thank you Lord that training camp was just like breathing, natural and nearly effortless. You’re way too Good to us.
Thanks Mama!!!! HE’S SO GOOD!!!! Even when we fall so painfully short, there He is Being and Doing what He is, which is Good. Totally not dependent on us, completely in the hands of our Loving Father who is Pursuing us. It’s so upside down that it’ll bend your brain. 🙂
Thank you Kati!!!!! I was so happy to get the chance to spend so many consecutive hours with you last night!!
Well, aren’t they blessed beyond measure to have you! So happy to read how much you KNOW he’s got ya. Of course he’s using you for the biggest of things. Love you Arianna.
wow Aris!
what a wonderful experience. thanks for sharing. it’s so uplifting.
God truly speaks through you and I, your mother who dreamt of teaching my children the Love of Jesus, and felt like I failed miserably both through word and example now find myself deeply moved that even when things seemed to go terribly awry, there you are, giving back to me what i desperately tried to give to the 3 of you…..
He is here, always Loving us and showing us His miracles every single moment of every day.
Proud is an understatement.
Proud of how you usher in childlike faith and pure JOY. Proud of how you step with a ‘yes’ in your spirit to everything He has for you. Proud of how your heart keeps getting bigger to fit all your new friends. Proud of how you are stewarding this season with excellence and due diligence.
M Squad is the luckiest in the land to be led by you, and I’m the luckiest to simply have a front-row seat.