I love listening to Transformation church’s podcast! Transformation nation baby!! I love the rowdiness and the real ness, the passion and the insight. It. Is. Thrilling.
In Taiwan I had the truly humbling honor of being the van captain for my team. My California Driver’s license came in CLUTCH!!
So pro’s:
I love driving
I got to drive
I love driving big cars
I got to drive a full out 15 passenger van
It brought back my summer camp days of driving Big Brutal
I got to serve my team
Con’s
My sense of direction is typically sketchy at best.
Look, I’m working on it, the Lord guides my feet, just be cool, okay?
So, there we went, rumbling off to the train station so that we could clean a church! We lurched into action, adventure in our spirits! We had exactly as much time as we needed to make it to the train station, find somewhere to park the Blessing Behemoth, and zip onto our train that ran hourly. Which is when I made a wrong turn. Which is when I tried to make a left at a light that kept us trapped for a solid four minutes. Which is when I started beating myself over the head.
Mind you we had been there for about two weeks at this point and not only had I ridden this ride countless times, I had also DRIVEN IT MYSELF at least a handful of times! COME ON ARI!!!
I said a halfhearted little prayer that the train would be late, hoping that at least that would be our redemption. You see, missing this train meant we had to wait an hour, and we had already waited so long and had so much to do, and were looking forward to an afternoon of ATL (Ask The Lord), that this hour literally felt like the difference between life and death.
I was so frustrated with myself, getting after my absentmindedness and my intelligence, my character, I was tearing into myself with fervor, as if I were the step sisters in Cinderella tearing apart a COUTURE ORIGINAL UPCYCLED DRESS. I was merciless in my assault, going after all of my weak spots. I was in a mood.
Defeated, we got out when we finally arrived at the station 20 minutes later and a full 5 minutes late. Heidi optimistically plunged ahead to buy tickets. I dragged my feet behind everybody, ashamed at my performance that morning and wanting to be alone so I could continue to berate myself for failing my team. When I got to the top of the stairs I couldn’t believe what I saw.
Our train!!! IT WAS LATE TOO!!!! MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED!!!
Aw man, now I’ve been pouting for twenty minutes FOR NO REASON.
I’d like to clarify here that my team, though a little flustered and disappointed, had not taken my slip up anywhere NEAR as seriously as I had. So, now I felt like a real brat for all of my wallowing, which I now added to my list of why Miss Arianna was my least favorite friend. We ran over to our train smiling(not me) and excited(me a little, but only on the inside)about answered prayers.
Once we were situated I tugged out my headphones and stuck them in like a sulky teen, crossing my arms and pointedly looking away from the group.
“Evicting Idols”
I knew I’d listened to it before, but it was the most recent download I had, and I remembered it being pretty good, so I went for it. Clearly I needed Jesus right now.
“Who is sitting on the throne of your heart?”
OHHHHHHHH SHOTS FIRED!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
SATAN, I LET YOU TAKE A SEAT!!! I full out let you scootch the prince of peace out of his rightful position and let you come in to call the shots. Whatever is in your heart is bound to come out one way or another, which is why it’s important to guard your heart, to care for it lovingly, and be snooty about what goes in, because what goes in WILL COME OUT.
God will not EVER forcibly take your heart. He wants us to come to Him, humble and willing to receive healing and help, which will often involve an exchange of an idol for Him. An idol is anything that is of higher importance to me than God, so anything can be an idol, even good things. Money, power, authority, relationships, being nice, anger, anxiety, my personality, any of these and multitudes more can be idols when I let them be more important to me than God.
I was convicted that day that I made my mood, and me really, an idol. My thoughts and behavior said: “God, I don’t trust you to provide, I don’t trust that you’ll help us do everything you have for us today, I don’t trust that when you made me, and when you claimed me that you freed me from condemnation(<—feeling like I am the worst person to walk the earth), your blood is not covering me, I am not fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am not your friend, the maker of the universe is not in control of our day, it’s actually me, Miss Arianna, and I’ve ruined the whole thing.” Big time LIES!!! The truth is that God has got this day ready and planned to a tee, and all that must be done will be done REGARDLESS of what I do.
As I listened hooting and hollering(respectfully to myself on the train) I was reminded of the truth that I want God to reign in my heart. When he’s calling the shots is when I’m the best, truest version of myself. FOR REAL!!! Because He reminds me that I don’t need to prove myself, I don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need to search for love, because I have absolutely everything I could ever need in Him!! It frees me to be who I was created to be! Loving, kind, joyful, optimistic, peaceful, and steady! Not to act out any of these qualities, but just be them!
I was also reminded that this was an extraordinary day and feeling for me to wander into that war zone of ripping myself to shreds. Totally foreign and unfamiliar. Which is a cause for celebration in itself because that was EVERYTHING that went on in my head for YEARS!! I’ve spent almost all of my life cruelly and obsessively picking apart every last little thing that I do or say, just my existence as a whole. Looking for all the ways I fall short, looking for me to fail, looking for me to be the nightmare of an entity that I have always had suspicion of being. Everything is evidence. Everything builds the case against me. Everything tied more weight to my ankles, causing me to sink into the unshakable bleak blackness of hating yourself and wishing you had anything good about you.
Pastor Todd in the sermon uses some visual aids, piling on headphones, shirts, jackets, ridiculous blue glasses to make a point of how idols get us mixed up, leading us into living lies, wearing them like their our own, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. In the sermon he says something along the lines of: “And you know what? I’m getting used to seeing everything this way!!” Talking about the tint on the glasses he’s wearing. I was reminded of how used to thinking that way about myself I was. That was my everyday, and I was convinced that that was the only way. BUT. ITS. NOT. And it’s surely not the best way or even a good way.
Thank you Lord for answering me when I ask how You feel about me. Thank you for giving me the truth, slowly washing away all the lies that I’ve fervently swallowed over a lifetime. You’re cleaning out my heart so lovingly!
So I made a wrong turn and then pouted like a child. Am I willing to accept God’s love when I don’t think I deserve it and turn to Him when I’d rather just dig my heels in on self beration?
It’s a yes from the judges, I got my ticket to Hollywood baby. I am no where NEAR qualified to receive that ticket, but God is so good to me it would be silly NOT to take it! 🙂
Yes. Queen.