The general yuckiness that is associated with this word has given me quite a bit of trouble!

You are the Loser.

You have lost the battle.

You were unable to bear the burden and had to give up.

Quitter.

Over and over I felt that shudder almost as painful as the battle itself as I tried to convince myself to surrender to the will of God. I tried to bargain, argue, or run away from this commandment. If I just pray a little more, maybe He will change His mind... If I do XYZ then maybe God will do ABC... God, why do you need me to give that to you, you already have everything else!!

Thankfully the scene within rarely looks like some kind of bust with lots of people shouting and sirens and just come out quietly, with your hands above your head. And I, the one being asked to surrender, peek through my blinds into the chaos beyond, desperately clutching some piece of whatever God is asking me for, trying to calculate alternatives, already knowing that He's got me surrounded. Although admittedly, perhaps sometimes that is how I may interpret His initial question. But always in good time and gently, so gently there is His hand out to me and He whispers this to me: "surrender." 

And as I succumb to His call, I see that He knew what was best all along. My heart WAS too heavy to bear alone. On my own, I DO lose the battle. I do feel like quite the loser as I make the same mistakes that I've sworn a hundred times not to make again. And on tough days I want to throw my hands up and say I QUIT, run home to my bed, snuggle in, and hide for at least 73 years. BUT GOD says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."(Matthew 11:28-29) 

He will give me rest for my soul. He will place His yoke upon me, and together we will do the work. He will share my burden with me, lightening my load, and simultaneously sharing His glory, His grace and mercy with me. My exhausted, overwhelmed, harassed, hurt heart is gradually transformed. I learn so slowly where to bring my heart. What will help it and what will hurt it. In the meantime, God gives me hope. He continually teaches that anything He asks me to forfeit is one-millionth as good for me as whatever it is that He'd like to replace it with. So I will rest in Him. I will trust Him. I will follow whatever He asks of me. 

I surrender.

Oh, I surrender.